Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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