Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
