My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
