Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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