this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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