Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
