u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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