we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
