my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize