its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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