How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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