How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
