last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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