If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
