I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
