proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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