Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
