Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
