She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
