Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
