I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
