I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
