You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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