My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
