I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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