Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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