I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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