party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
