there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
