I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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