Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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