Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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