Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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