Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
