Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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