I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
