i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
