So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
