I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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