I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Randomize
