Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
