there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
