so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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