its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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