i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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