Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
