glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
