You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
where are my eyebrows?
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