It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
