she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
