It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
