the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
