i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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