So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
