The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
