He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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