I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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