hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
